What's sexy?

OK, I’ve had it. I’m angry. Burned. Waxed. Pissed. Here’s my story.

I’m a 61 year old guy who was in my local gym today, pedaling my elliptical machine like it was a matter of life and death, which it may be, trying to get rid of a few unwanted pounds. Well, maybe 20 unwanted pounds, but at least I know they have to go. Before I jumped on the machine, I grabbed the November 28th issue of People magazine, just one of the garbage mags in a stack by the machines, something to pass the time. What attracted me to this particular read was that the cover DID NOT feature a brokenhearted Kardashian, an angry Kardashian, a pregnant one, a recently split up one or any kind of Kardashian at all. In fact, this particular issue of People was one of their biggest sellers, the one that features the yearly "Sexiest Man Alive”. I noticed that this year’s winner is an actor, Bradley Cooper. I’m familiar with one of Mr. Cooper’s movies, Limitless, which I rented recently. Not bad, and based on the beefcake pictures of this fellow on the printed page, lifting weights, loving his dog, it was clear that he was sexy. No problem. I have no problem with that.

What pushed me over the edge was a series of photos of all sorts of guys on page 108. This page was entitled, “Sexy at Every Age”, and it showed photos of some famous guys, some less famous, grinning out from the glossy page. Athletes, actors and musicians, all of them. OK, no problem. I figure, what’s sexy about an overweight, 61 year old retired teacher with white hair? Not much. Beneath each photo, the guy’s age is given, starting with a 20 year old kid named Tyler Posey. I don’t know who Tyler Posey is, but maybe he’s sexy, I don’t know. The rows of photos continue, guys in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s. Pierce Brosnan, age 58. Sexy, no question. That’s James Bond, my friend. In the lower right hand corner of the page, age 59, Liam Neeson. Sexy, OK? Big guy, talented, whatever. Before I turn the page, I try to imagine who will represent guys in their 60’s and older. Robert DeNiro? He’s got to be 60 something. How about Clint Eastwood? He’s 80, and if Dirty Harry ain’t sexy, there’s no such thing. So, pedaling my elliptical faster in anticipation of finding out what popular culture finds sexy in a guy my age, I turn the page and…nothing. Nada. Zip. The list of “sexy at any age” ends at age 59. The next page features another kid, Zac Efron, age 24, sitting in a convertible, screwing with his hair. At least the page wasn’t a Viagra advertisement.

So that’s it. A guy can be sexy at any age, unless that age is 60 or older. So, this is what I figure: if People magazine devotes an entire magazine to the sexiest man alive, the editors believe that I am either not sexy or that I am dead.

And so, I pedal on.

Girl gear

I now live in Spokane, where I have resided for the last 3 months. I always knew it was cold in Spokane, and it is, with night temperatures into the teens and sure to get colder as winter goes on. These frigid temperatures have led me to make an important discovery however. Women's garments, specifically “leggings” are warm and comfortable. These are the long underwear that women wear. I think they call them “tights”, and they certainly are. Regardless of what they are called, they are cozy. I’ll admit I was a little hesitant to slap these things on. I've always fancied myself as something of a man's man: rough exterior, lots of foul language, infrequent bathing, excessive television, those sorts of things.The whole idea of wearing women’s clothing set me back, not that there is anything wrong with men wearing women’s clothing. I’m a pretty open-minded guy. It was just never my thing. It was only at my wife’s urging that I gave these a try. These tights are not like men’s longjohns, which are thick and bag in some really uncomfortable places, and have a really complicated fly arrangement that is ridiculous for the purpose intended. These girl tights don’t bag, and…no fly. I imagine they have no fly because of the difference between male and female plumbing, but regardless, women’s tights give a sleek, streamlined appearance. I squeeze into these babies and look like a regular ballet dancer, albeit an overweight, 61 year old one. And so, as winter deepens, you'll find me shopping in the ladies department, thank you very much. That's just the way it is.