What's sexy?

OK, I’ve had it. I’m angry. Burned. Waxed. Pissed. Here’s my story.

I’m a 61 year old guy who was in my local gym today, pedaling my elliptical machine like it was a matter of life and death, which it may be, trying to get rid of a few unwanted pounds. Well, maybe 20 unwanted pounds, but at least I know they have to go. Before I jumped on the machine, I grabbed the November 28th issue of People magazine, just one of the garbage mags in a stack by the machines, something to pass the time. What attracted me to this particular read was that the cover DID NOT feature a brokenhearted Kardashian, an angry Kardashian, a pregnant one, a recently split up one or any kind of Kardashian at all. In fact, this particular issue of People was one of their biggest sellers, the one that features the yearly "Sexiest Man Alive”. I noticed that this year’s winner is an actor, Bradley Cooper. I’m familiar with one of Mr. Cooper’s movies, Limitless, which I rented recently. Not bad, and based on the beefcake pictures of this fellow on the printed page, lifting weights, loving his dog, it was clear that he was sexy. No problem. I have no problem with that.

What pushed me over the edge was a series of photos of all sorts of guys on page 108. This page was entitled, “Sexy at Every Age”, and it showed photos of some famous guys, some less famous, grinning out from the glossy page. Athletes, actors and musicians, all of them. OK, no problem. I figure, what’s sexy about an overweight, 61 year old retired teacher with white hair? Not much. Beneath each photo, the guy’s age is given, starting with a 20 year old kid named Tyler Posey. I don’t know who Tyler Posey is, but maybe he’s sexy, I don’t know. The rows of photos continue, guys in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s. Pierce Brosnan, age 58. Sexy, no question. That’s James Bond, my friend. In the lower right hand corner of the page, age 59, Liam Neeson. Sexy, OK? Big guy, talented, whatever. Before I turn the page, I try to imagine who will represent guys in their 60’s and older. Robert DeNiro? He’s got to be 60 something. How about Clint Eastwood? He’s 80, and if Dirty Harry ain’t sexy, there’s no such thing. So, pedaling my elliptical faster in anticipation of finding out what popular culture finds sexy in a guy my age, I turn the page and…nothing. Nada. Zip. The list of “sexy at any age” ends at age 59. The next page features another kid, Zac Efron, age 24, sitting in a convertible, screwing with his hair. At least the page wasn’t a Viagra advertisement.

So that’s it. A guy can be sexy at any age, unless that age is 60 or older. So, this is what I figure: if People magazine devotes an entire magazine to the sexiest man alive, the editors believe that I am either not sexy or that I am dead.

And so, I pedal on.