A sure sign of spring

Ah, springtime.

Today, the 25th of March, was the first day of spring. It wasn’t the real first day, of course, that was March 19th. Today just felt like spring. Low 60’s, birds chirping, runners out pounding the pavement, and that sure sign that winter is over, the re-emergence of the wife beater shirt. Nothing says, “class” quite like the wife beater shirt when it is worn in public.

The standard wife beater top actually comes in many varieties. First, there is the classic. This is simply the undershirt that has existed since before the invention of the T-shirt. Your grandfather wore this. Al Capone wore it. Men have been wearing it since the 1800’s, but it has only been 15 years or so that men have worn it TO THE GROCERY STORE. For a hundred years, it was referred to as an undershirt, so called because, strangely, it was worn under a shirt. Only in recent times has it become THE ONLY shirt.

Wife beater shirts come in two other varieties. There is the modified, which is a regular t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. Here, the essential component is arm pit reveal. Unless the pits are out there for all to admire, it isn’t wife beater material. More recently yet is the basketball wife beater. This is simply a basketball jersey that bears the logo of some professional team on the front and the name of a star on the back. Often, some dumpy 35 year old, 5’6” 230 pound guy can be seen wearing this type of jersey. Perhaps he feels that since the jersey promotes an actual team, that he is, in fact, a basketball star and that it doesn’t qualify as the tackier wife beater version. In this assumption, he is wrong.

The wife beater look has a special appeal when worn by the overweight, hairy, older gentleman, especially when he chooses to wear it where food is available to the general public. You’re in the grocery store, looking at the cottage cheese, and just as you’re about to make your selection, there he is. What do you think is going through that guy’s mind before he leaves the house?
“Maybe I’ve put on a few pounds, but damn, I still look pretty good. I think I’ll wear my underwear to the grocery store.” Nice.

This isn’t to say that the wife beater looks any better on the tanned, athletic, youthful types. The problem with younger guys who go for this look is that they invariably couple their big reveal undershirt with their big reveal underpants, the sagging, bagging trousers that look like the wearer is hiding something back there, and perhaps he is. This general look of public undress is usually enhanced by a tattoo or maybe twelve tattoos, signifying to all who see him that he is tough and very, very sexy.

So, as spring jumps to life and baseballs are flying and daffodils are sprouting, let’s take a moment to savor that true sign of spring: the guy wearing the wife beater shirt in the ice cream section of the local super market.